Shattered Illusions
by Kelly11
Summary: My interpretation of what happens after Grissom takes Sara home (Bloodlines). This is a WIP.
1. Shattered Illusions

Title: **Shattered Illusions**  
  
Author: Kelly Port  
  
Feedback: donas13aol.com

Category: Romance/Humor/Angst

Rating: R For use of explicit language.

Spoilers: All Seasons.

Summary: My interpretation of what happens after Grissom takes Sara home (Bloodlines).

Disclaimer: "CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by ANTHONY E. ZUIKER, JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Television, CBS Worldwide Inc., Alliance Atlantis Corporation, CSI Productions and CBS Productions, All Rights Reserved. I am just a fan, with spare time on her hands and am really not worth perusing for settlement against infringement.  
  
Notes: A special thanks to Michelle for the words that I needed. To Rox and Ash, my beta readers, this story would not be without you!

Archived: Yes, please! Feedback is welcomed. No flames please as I don't think my exposed heart could handle it!  
  
**Chapter 1 Shattered Illusions**  
  
As he hung up the phone the impeding fear that he felt since the phone first rang was subsiding to only be replaced with a burning anger. How could she do this to him! When he had walked into that bathroom on that night so long ago, his mind had screamed and his heart ached as he looked at Debbie Marlins body, Sara's doppelganger. For three days his mind had reeled at the possibility that that could have been Sara lying there, eyes transfixed, a pool of blood surrounding her beautiful features. If it had been her, what would he have done, it really would have been to late.  
  
And that speech, the words just poured from him, form the depths of his battling emotions, "It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody ... ... we could care about. She offers us a new life with her ...but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it..." He couldn't do it then, but maybe now he could. All that he had, all that he had worked for would mean nothing if he didn't have her. Grissom now realized that he would risk it all for Sara. For the women he loved, he had hurt for so long, her hurt was his fear.  
  
This realization was so profound, that it stopped him in his tracks. His chest slightly heaving, while his heart pumped so wildly that he could hear the rushing blood loudly echoing in his ears. For a moment he let his body adjust to the emotions, before he proceeded towards the waiting room, where he could see Sara sitting on a chair.  
  
As he strode through the door, he watched her, sitting there, unmoving. He finally sat down beside her and yet she still said nothing, she didn't even look at him. She was either staring straight in front of her or averting her eyes to her clasped hands.  
  
Grissom made the first move in this game of stalemate that they were playing when he grasped her hand in his. Even then she didn't move, and she still refused to even acknowledge his presence and so they say there.  
  
She was so stupid, how could she have been so careless. She should have went home after leaving Nick on the Strip, but no, even as she congratulated Nick, the loathing, the betrayal and the hurt that Grissom had caused her once again reeled it's ugly head and she in turn headed straight for a bottle to dull her senses.  
  
As she sat in the Police Station, she dreaded who was going to show up and yet deep down she wanted it to be Grissom, so that he could see what he had finally done to her, she should have left so long ago, she should have never let it get this far. Brass had been right, "there's more problems than answers in the bottom of a bottle, believe me" he was so right. She was most likely going to lose her job over this and if Grissom had any reason to hate her before, he sure had a reason to now. But then again, may be this was all for the best, she needed a new start.  
  
She knew that he was there without even looking, not that she could bring herself to look at him even if she had tried. She was defeated and she didn't want him to see it. Sara waited for Grissom to say something, but instead he sat down beside her and didn't say anything. Once he sat, she felt for sure that a lecture was coming and yet there was nothing, the nothingness lasted for a few minutes when to her utter shock he took her hand in his, it was at this point that she felt for sure that he was going to say something, anything for that matter and yet the silence remained.  
  
A few more minutes passed and when he finally spoke was surprised at what he said, "Come on, I'll take you home". And with that he stood still holding her hand, and yet she still did not move. She felt the gentle tug of his hand on hers and when she finally looked up at him, the tears that had been on the verge of breaking through the dam finally fell and she blurted out, "I don't need you to take me home, just fire me and get it over with!"  
  
"I am not going to fire you, Sara!" replied Grissom.  
  
"I want to take you home and I want to fix this," he added hurriedly.  
  
"Fix this..." she spit, "What is there to fix!" she exclaimed.  
  
"This, you, us, everything needs to be fixed Sara," his voice rising to match that of her own.  
  
"In case you hadn't noticed, GRISSOM, THERE IS NO US! You made sure of that, every time you pushed me away, I have nothing left and that is your entire FAULT!" She yelled as she stood and yanked her hand from his grasp and marched towards the door and as she placed her hand on the knob to yank open the door, she felt a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"You can't leave" Grissom stated.  
  
"Like hell I can't, you just watch me," Sara retorted.  
  
"They won't let you leave, I had to promise as your Supervisor that I would take you home and deal with this, little escaped of yours, they are letting you off with a stern warning, seeing as you are one of them and a first time offender. But you have to leave with me," Grissom finished.  
  
"So, if you are ready, I will take you home, where you can scream all you want at me," Grissom said in a more controlled manner and with that he moved in front of Sara and opened the door and waited for her to start walking. With a glare, Sara walked past Grissom and out of the Station towards his truck. As she got inside she buckled her seatbelt and looked out the window without saying a word.  
  
The trip was mercifully quiet. It gave Grissom a chance to think about what he decided and the reaction that he had gotten from Sara thus far. He knew that he had hurt her, but he never realized just how much. Even now, he knew that there was no turning back she had to know everything and if that meant risking it all, no it was defiantly a risk. He was going to tell her everything, he was going to expose his hearts desire, his fear and from the way things looked all he was going to experience was her rejection.  
  
When they finally pulled up in front of Sara's apartment, she was already unbuckling her seatbelt and opening the door before he even had it in park. Grissom had to race to keep up with her, and he barely got a foot in the doorway and hand in before she was slamming it in his face. But to his surprise and relief she didn't fight him when he pushed his way into the apartment and closed and locked the door behind him.  
  
"Why don't you take a shower and change and I will make you a cup of tea, and then we can sit and I will talk, and you will listen," Grissom said.  
  
Sara glared at Grissom once again before she turned on her heel and walked towards the bathroom, with any luck he would be gone before she was finished in the shower. He was probably just saying that so the he could make his escape and not have to deal with this, that is really deal with it. Yup, that was what he was doing, Sara thought as she climbed into the shower. The reassurance that Grissom would be gone when she emerged, gave her the strength that she needed. She would hand in her resignation and they would never have to deal with each other ever again.  
  
Once he heard the shower, Grissom made his way into the small apartment kitchen and began to look through her cupboards for tea. What he found in the first cupboard, not to his shock although slight surprise was a wide array of hard liquor and the fridge had half a 2-4 left. When he finally found the tea supplies, he started the kettle and went to sit down, he could feel the pressure of the beginnings of a migraine starting and he knew that he would need to be able to focus to get through what was to come the calm before the storm so to speak.  
  
When Sara emerged from the bathroom, she was relieved and saddened at the same time, like she predicted Grissom was gone, although part of her wanted him to still be there. She headed towards her bedroom and pulled on a pair of cut-off sweats and slipped on a tank and then deftly ran a comb through her still wet hair before she padded out into the kitchen to find some comfort. She headed straight for the fridge to grab a beer and when she opened the door was aghast to find the shelf empty as she turned towards her cupboard, she heard, "Your not going to find any in there either" she peered out into the darkened living room and could just make out Grissom form in her chair.  
  
"What, what did you do?" Sara asked hatred dripping from her words.  
  
"I said it is gone, I said that we were going to talk and that I was going to make you tea, the tea is made and we are going to talk, and you are going to be sober so that you can hear everything that I say, do you understand what I am saying Sara?" Grissom asked as he rose from the chair and crossed the room till he stood mere inches from her face by the time he had finished his little triad.  
  
"Fuck- you Grissom," Sara spat as she looked him in the eyes." And while you're at it, you can get the hell out of my apartment, I don't have to listen to damn word that you say let alone in my own apartment. Now GO," she screamed as she put both hands on his chest and pushed with all her might, but he barely moved. So Sara pushed again, even harder this time and yet Grissom barely moved, she was so frustrated and so tired that when she decided for one last push, she really didn't have anything left in her and she stumbled as she pushed.  
  
She was so angry, but so was he. She pushed him twice and on her third attempt she began to stumble forward; as she stumbled forward he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight to him. She began to struggle and begged for him to leave and to let her be, the struggle lasted a few minutes but Grissom did not let go, soon her struggles ceased to only be replaced by the tears and finally sobs that shook her whole body. He felt her knees start to give and he tightened his hold as he lowered them both to the floor.  
  
TBC...


	2. Admissions

Title: **Shattered Illusions  
**  
Author: Kelly Port  
  
Feedback: donas13aol.com

Category: Romance/Humor/Angst

Rating: R For use of explicit language.

Spoilers: All Seasons.

Summary: My interpretation of what happens after Grissom takes Sara home (Bloodlines). This is a WIP.

Disclaimer: "CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by ANTHONY E. ZUIKER, JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Television, CBS Worldwide Inc., Alliance Atlantis Corporation, CSI Productions and CBS Productions, All Rights Reserved. I am just a fan, with spare time on her hands and am really not worth perusing for settlement against infringement.  
  
Notes: To Rox and Ash, my beta readers, this story would not be without you! Any other mistakes are mine all mine...mmmwhahaha! LOL, couldn't resist!

Archived: Yes, please!  
  
Feedback is welcomed. No flames please as I don't think my exposed heart could handle it!  
  
**Chapter 2 Admissions**  
  
Grissom did not know how long they sat there on the floor, all he knew was that he had hurt her so much, but he wasn't going to leave her now, and if she let him, he would never leave her again.  
  
As she tried in one last effort to rid herself of Grissom, she felt herself stumble forward, and as she tumbled forward, she felt his arms tighten around her to stop her from falling. As much as she had always wanted to be in this very position, it was too late for that and so she began to struggle, but he only tightened his grip. Sara soon felt the last ounces of strength ebb from her body and the emotions that she fought so long to hold at bay defeated her last defences and soon the tears followed by the sobs that ravaged her frail form followed. She found solace in the one man that caused her all the pain to begin with. As the emotions flowed forth she felt her knees give away and thought for sure that Grissom would let her go, instead he held onto her as he lowered their bodies to the floor and there they stayed. For how long, Sara was not sure, it felt like only minutes and yet at the same time it felt like eternity.  
  
Long after the tears stopped flowing and the occasional shiver replaced her shaking body, Grissom sat on Sara's kitchen floor holding her to him. Lost in thought, Grissom was unaware that Sara had shifted, even if ever so slightly and was looking at him. It wasn't until she actually spoke that he came back into focus and looked down at her. She opened and closed her mouth several times before she finally speaking.  
  
"I love you, and yet all you ever do is throw it back in my face, I feel like an elasticized puppet and you're the puppeteer and you pull me close when you want me and then let me spring back on my own when you don't. For four long years, you would fill me with hope only to take it back again. I was ready to leave and you sent me a stupid plant, I stayed because of stupid plant, a stupid piece of vegetation."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For you to continual rip my heart to shreds and leaving me feeling unwanted and less then everyone else. I will never be good enough for you...will I?" Sara said as she watched his clear blue eyes cloud and a single tear escape the now brimming threshold.  
  
As the first tear fell, Sara sat up a little straighter looking at the man that no matter how he hurt her, she still loved. She watched the path the tear took as it streaked down his cheek before it was lost in the stubble of his beard, and when she looked back up into eyes, she was astonished to see more tears falling. One after another, and soon he could no longer look at her, she watched as his shoulders rose and fell and his head hung in defeat.  
  
"I know that I am too late, but there are things that you need to know and I am asking for the chance for you just to listen without question as to what I have to say. I have loved you from the moment I meet you. I know that I have I betrayed us more times then I care to count. But at first I thought your feelings were that of a mentor to his student and then I realized that they were more along the lines of caring friends. I am not really sure when I concluded that you might share the same depth of feeling that I had for you, but it sacred the living shit out of me. I am so much older then you...and," Grissom paused if only for a second to watch Sara open her mouth and then bite her lip without saying anything and he hurriedly continued on. "...I know what you are thinking and what you are going to say that age does not matter and where I like to believe that would always be the case, I have doubts not to mention that, I am your Supervisor and how would that look for you and possibilities of promotions. And before you say anything, I know that as well does not matter to you and I also know that are no official departmental rules on that subject. But I know how the world works; I know how the politics work even if you all think that I don't. I wouldn't want to take away any future chances that might come your way for a relationship, I couldn't do it, and I wouldn't do it. But something has changed, when I worked the Debbie Marlin case, I thought, god...she was you and in her life less eyes I saw all that I would never have with you, if...if..." Grissom suddenly fell silent.  
  
"I heard you, that day, in the interrogation room with Vincent Lurie. I know that you were talking about me, and I know that you will not risk it. I just wish..." but Sara was interrupted before she could continue by Grissom.  
  
"I am."  
  
"What, pardon?" Sara asked.  
  
"I am willing to risk it; I am going to risk it all for you, if you will let me. I could have lost you once and tonight when I got that phone call, if you, if they had called to tell me...Sara, I might already have lost you but please, I am begging you to give me a chance, if only to make it up to you as a friend." His eyes never left hers, as they pleaded with her to understand, to raise the white flag.  
  
"Please Sara," he whispered.  
  
As Sara rose she watched Grissom, this was not what she thought would happen let alone not anything close to what she thought he would say. She offered her hand to him, and he took it. As he rose from the floor he looked at her and then quickly looked back at the floor.  
  
"I need time," Sara said.  
  
"I'll give you all the time in the world, I won't ever hurt you again, I promise," Grissom replied.  
  
"Besides," he continued, "You're on a weeks leave."  
  
"Goodnight Grissom," said Sara.  
  
"I will call you before shift starts, ok?" he said hesitantly.  
  
"Ok, I'll be here," Sara, replied as she watched him leave.  
  
After Grissom left, she locked the door and turned off the light and headed for her bedroom where she slipped beneath the cool sheets and stared at the ceiling, until she fell asleep.  
  
TBC...


	3. Foward Steps

Title: **Shattered Illusions**  
  
Author: Kelly Port  
  
Category: Romance/Humor/Angst

Rating: R For use of explicit language.

Spoilers: All Seasons.

Summary: My interpretation of what happens after Grissom takes Sara home (Bloodlines). This is a WIP.

Disclaimer: "CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by ANTHONY E. ZUIKER, JERRY BRUCKHEIMER Television, CBS Worldwide Inc., Alliance Atlantis Corporation, CSI Productions and CBS Productions, All Rights Reserved. I am just a fan, with spare time on her hands and am really not worth perusing for settlement against infringement.  
  
Notes: To Rox and Ash, my beta readers, this story would not be without you! Any other mistakes are mine all mine...mmmwhahaha! LOL, couldn't resist!

Archived: Yes, please!  
  
Feedback is welcomed. No flames please as I don't think my exposed heart could handle it!  
  
**Chapter 3 Forward Steps**  
  
"Ring, Ring, beep...beep"  
  
'Would somebody just stop that ringing, I am going to kill whoever is making that noise,' Sara thought to herself as she rolled over and hit her alarm clock.  
  
"Ring, Ring, beep...beep"  
  
There it was again, ahhh! Wait, as Sara rolled once again and opened her eyes, it wasn't her alarm, her alarm wasn't even set for that matter, it was her phone. As she scrambled out of bed and dove for her jeans on the floor pulling out her cell phone as the last beep sounded... "Hello," she answered out of breathe and still heavy with sleep.  
  
"Hey Sara, it's Grissom," came the voice from the other end of the line.  
  
"Hi," Sara replied.  
  
"Are you ok?" the words were out of Grissom's mouth before he could chide himself on how stupid of a question that was to be asking. Of course she wasn't ok.  
  
"I can't believe that I slept this long, are you about to do hand outs?" she responded.  
  
"Ya, I will call you when I get home...is that alright?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I'll be here, what are you going to tell everyone?" Sara asked with nervousness.  
  
"That your cold you have been trying to keep at bay has finally caught up with you," he replied.  
  
The night was dead, the pun lost on the man that sat at his desk thinking of all that had happened in the past twenty-four hours. He had almost lost her again, he had told her everything. It was just so much to take in, he had only hoped that fear of rejection that lingered in the back of his mind never was given a chance to come to fruition. If he had to, he would leave it all for her, he had already wasted so much time.  
  
Grissom was startled from his thoughts by the click of the heels that echoed in his office, he looked up from the paper work that sat on his desk to see Catherine standing in front of his desk.  
  
"Hey Grissom, we're all finished up here and thought that I would stop in to see if you were going yet" Catherine said.  
  
"What, what time is it?" asked Grissom.  
  
"Man, that paperwork must be really mind numbing, it's half past seven, well past time to be getting home," Catherine replied. "Are you ok?"  
  
"I am fine just tired, I'll see you tonight," Grissom responded as he stood up from his desk and began to get ready to go home.  
  
"Ya, I'll see you tonight," Catherine said as she left Grissom's office.  
  
As Grissom drove home he felt his exhaustion begin to grow and yet it felt like his mind had just had a jolt from some of Greg's special blend. For the first time in a long time Grissom couldn't wait to get home.  
  
Sara was just drying herself off from her bath when she heard her phone ringing; she quickly wrapped the towel around her and ran into her bedroom to answer the phone.  
  
"Hey Grissom," Sara said as she answered her phone.  
  
"Hey...how did you know it was me?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Well, lets see...it's eight am in the morning, work finished about an hour ago and you said that you were going to call me!" replied Sara.  
  
"But what if you had been wrong Sherlock, what if, all the clues pointed to me and yet it was someone else," retorted Grissom  
  
"Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary, besides unless someone had stolen your phone, then I can just rely on call display," Sara exclaimed.  
  
At first Sara didn't hear anything and was about to speak again when she heard the soft chuckle that emanated from the phone.  
  
"Well, that I should have realized, but I am so tired and to be honest it felt good to laugh, thank-you Sara. I hope that I didn't interrupt you..." Grissom paused as he waited for a response.  
  
"Well, actually you caught me getting out of the bath, I was just getting ready to go back to bed," Sara said.  
  
"Oh, umm well then I'll let you go, I just wanted to call because I said that I would," Grissom replied sheepishly and slightly embarrassed, by the thoughts of Sara in her apartment fresh from the bath.  
  
"No, it's fine, if you want to talk, I just need a sec to change and then I am all yours, that is if you are not to tired to talk," Sara responded, while biting her lip and chiding herself for being so forward when she still felt so raw. Talk about a glutton for punishment; was this really worth any more pain? She thought to herself as she waited for his response.  
  
"I would actually like to talk for a bit if you don't mind," Grissom finally replied.  
  
"Ok, just give me a sec to change," Sara said as she sat down the phone.  
  
Grissom realized what a step had just been taken and he didn't want it to become a backwards one. He could here the rustling coming from Sara's end and decided to get a little more comfortable himself, he began to get undressed as he kicked off his shoes and began to unbutton his shirt, he was just climbing into bed clad in only a pair of boxers when Sara came back on the line.  
  
As Sara lay down her phone she threw her towel over the back of her door, pulled on a pair of shorts and a tank top on. Grabbing the phone with one hand, she pulled back the covers to her bed with the other and climbed in. That's one giant step, for a future with possibilities and no more pain she thought to herself as she said, "I am back!"  
  
"I am here," came Grissom's reply.  
  
"So what do you want to talk about?" Sara asked.  
  
"I want to talk about everything, but first I need you to listen to me again," Grissom said.  
  
"Ok, I am ready to listen," came Sara's hesitant reply. Was she really ready to listen, last night she really didn't have a choice, she did now, all she had to do was hang-up. But then she remembered what he said "I am willing to risk it; I am going to risk it all for you, if you will let me. Please Sara," he had whispered. And the tears, the look of defeat, he had caused her so much pain, he had caused them both so much pain, they needed time to heal. This could be the time and they could heal together and start a new friendship and see where that took them. A small smile began to peek out at the corner of Sara mouth; Grissom had just won a small victory even if he didn't know it yet.  
  
"I meant everything that I said last night, I have hurt you so much, I am so sorry, more sorry then you'll ever know and given the chance I will spend eternity making it up to you, I promise Sara, I won't ever push you away again!" Grissom finished slightly out of breath, his heart was beating so fast, this was it a declaration of sorts, all she had to do was hang-up and then that would be it.  
  
Grissom waited for what seemed like eternity before Sara said anything and when she did finally say something, it was sniffle.  
  
"Sara?" Grissom said.  
  
He heard nothing.  
  
"Sara, are you there?" he said into the silence.  
  
Another sniffle.  
  
"Sara, honey, please answer me,"Grissom pleaded into the phone as he began to sit up in bed.  
  
"Sara...Sara...SARA..." Grissom shouted into the phone the panic filling his chest echoing in his words.  
  
"I am here...sniffle.... but this is the last chance...sniffle...no more pushing, you promised." said Sara.  
  
"I promise, no more pushing and no more tears." Grissom said.  
  
"Grissom," Sara said.  
  
"Ya," Grissom replied.  
  
"I am sorry for scaring you, but I scared myself even more," Sara stated.  
  
"I just wish that I could have been there for you, that it wasn't me that caused this, I should have seen what I was doing to you, I thought that it was for the best, Sara, I didn't mean for this to happen." Grissom replied.  
  
"I know, I know that you didn't, we both made mistakes, and I would be making another if I didn't say that we have enough time to talk, right now you need to get some sleep. I will talk to you later, ok Gris?" finished Sara.  
  
"I.... but...ahhh...ok," Grissom relented "I'll call you later, sleep well Sara."  
  
"I just might, I just might," Sara said as she hung up the phone.  
  
TBC...


End file.
